I am so far behind on my blog it's not funny but I feel like I need to talk about this before I do anything else. I'm being selfish, but it's just for my benefit. It's my blog.
Losing a parent is really quite the surreal experience. It's just so weird to lose such a huge part of your life. I can't explain how it's different than I thought it would be, but at the same time kind of how I pictured it... constant sadness. It's weird how much I think about my dad. Well, I guess not that weird because he was really one of my very best friends. I think when most, not all but most, people lose a parent they are old and the person is probably really involved with their own family by then. While I am super involved with my small but growing family, my dad was still a major part of my life. We hung out every. single. day. Us and the girls running errands, trying new food places, getting ready for family parties. My dad had such a love of life and always made everything fun. I swear all of my self confidence came from him, he made me feel like I could do anything.
My dad has been gone for two weeks today. Sometimes it feels like this is all just a bad dream and time is passing quickly but I will soon wake up to my dad dropping by my favorite donut and a drink. Then I think of the last time I talked to him and it just seems like so long ago. Everyday since, I have missed talking to him so much it hurts. I was looking through pictures of him and it physically hurts to look at them. I know you think I'm crazy, but I swear it's true. I have lost 3 of my 4 grandparents and it was really hard, but the sadness I feel over losing my dad isn't the same. Death is a crappy thing to deal with. I know I am fortunate to have had the time I had with him because many people get a shorter end of the stick than me. In fact, we were lucky we had him around after all of the scary medical problems he had had in the past. But I catch myself being envious of other people's parents who have awesome health and they aren't even that close with them. I want to shake them and yell, "Do you know how lucky you are?!" Then I have to step back and quit being so selfish. The lord has a plan and his timing is everything. It's a hard concept to grasp, but at the same time provides comfort.
His funeral service was another weird experience for me. It was so sad to think my dad was in the casket right in front of my face covered in beautiful flowers and I would never see his face in this life again. At the same time it was so fun to hear all of the fun memories my of siblings shared and to see the real love they all expressed towards our dad. It was a celebration of the Ricker's life and he lived a good one. There was a great turn out to his viewing and to his funeral and people were unreal when it came to the support we received. There were constant visitors, meals, treats, phone calls, messages, money donations, ect. It has made me want to be a better person and more compassionate for sure. You could tell how great of a man my dad was by the love and support shown by those around us. A man my dad worked with, Ron, attended the funeral and afterwards at the luncheon brought several pounds of beef, ribs, glowsticks, treats and decorated the tables with railroad parafernalia. No one in my family had ever met this man, though my mom said she had heard of my dad talk about him. He said he had a dream about my dad and in that dream my dad told Ron to bring all of the things he brought. It was really interesting because they were all totally things my dad would buy, even down to the glowsticks for the grandkids! Ron had no idea about these things. This Ron guy was really nice to go out of his way and spend hundreds of dollars to honor what he said were, "Ricker's wishes." I don't know if that guy was a crazy railroader or not, but regardless, it was a cool thing for our family.
If you're still reading, I know this has probably been the most depressing post you've ever read. But I have been feeling so sad and trying to cope with his loss and heard that it helps to write down what you're feeling. Death is a hard thing to deal with, but being surrounded by such amazing family and friends has helped a lot. I feel blessed to have this gospel and to know I will see my dad again.
Thanks again so so much to all of you who showed your support to our family in such a hard time. We really appreciated everything and you'll never realize how much it meant to our family! We had so much family come from out of town and sacrifice a lot of their time and money and it meant the world to us. We have the best family and friends around. I know I am not a super intelligent intellectual but some how I'm smart enough to surround myself with amazing people:)
|This is one of my favorite photos of my dad. This is how I always want to remember him. Contagious smile, sweet eyes, prominent chin and kissable cheeks!|
Love you dad!