Monday, September 9, 2013

Losing a Parent.

I am so far behind on my blog it's not funny but I feel like I need to talk about this before I do anything else.  I'm being selfish, but it's just for my benefit.  It's my blog.

Losing a parent is really quite the surreal experience.  It's just so weird to lose such a huge part of your life.  I can't explain how it's different than I thought it would be, but at the same time kind of how I pictured it... constant sadness.  It's weird how much I think about my dad.  Well, I guess not that weird because he was really one of my very best friends.  I think when most, not all but most, people lose a parent they are old and the person is probably really involved with their own family by then.  While I am super involved with my small but growing family, my dad was still a major part of my life.  We hung out every. single. day.  Us and the girls running errands, trying new food places, getting ready for family parties.  My dad had such a love of life and always made everything fun.  I swear all of my self confidence came from him, he made me feel like I could do anything.

My dad has been gone for two weeks today.  Sometimes it feels like this is all just a bad dream and time is passing quickly but I will soon wake up to my dad dropping by my favorite donut and a drink.  Then I think of the last time I talked to him and it just seems like so long ago.  Everyday since, I have missed talking to him so much it hurts.  I was looking through pictures of him and it physically hurts to look at them.  I know you think I'm crazy, but I swear it's true.  I have lost 3 of my 4 grandparents and it was really hard, but the sadness I feel over losing my dad isn't the same.  Death is a crappy thing to deal with.  I know I am fortunate to have had the time I had with him because many people get a shorter end of the stick than me.  In fact, we were lucky we had him around after all of the scary medical problems he had had in the past.  But I catch myself being envious of other people's parents who have awesome health and they aren't even that close with them.  I want to shake them and yell, "Do you know how lucky you are?!"  Then I have to step back and quit being so selfish.  The lord has a plan and his timing is everything.  It's a hard concept to grasp, but at the same time provides comfort.

His funeral service was another weird experience for me.  It was so sad to think my dad was in the casket right in front of my face covered in beautiful flowers and I would never see his face in this life again.  At the same time it was so fun to hear all of the fun memories my of siblings shared and to see the real love they all expressed towards our dad.  It was a celebration of the Ricker's life and he lived a good one.  There was a great turn out to his viewing and to his funeral and people were unreal when it came to the support we received.  There were constant visitors, meals, treats, phone calls, messages, money donations, ect. It has made me want to be a better person and more compassionate for sure.  You could tell how great of a man my dad was by the love and support shown by those around us.  A man my dad worked with, Ron, attended the funeral and afterwards at the luncheon brought several pounds of beef, ribs, glowsticks, treats and decorated the tables with railroad parafernalia.  No one in my family had ever met this man, though my mom said she had heard of my dad talk about him.  He said he had a dream about my dad and in that dream my dad told Ron to bring all of the things he brought.  It was really interesting because they were all totally things my dad would buy, even down to the glowsticks for the grandkids!  Ron had no idea about these things. This Ron guy was really nice to go out of his way and spend hundreds of dollars to honor what he said were, "Ricker's wishes."  I don't know if that guy was a crazy railroader or not, but regardless, it was a cool thing for our family.
If you're still reading, I know this has probably been the most depressing post you've ever read.  But I have been feeling so sad and trying to cope with his loss and heard that it helps to write down what you're feeling.  Death is a hard thing to deal with, but being surrounded by such amazing family and friends has helped a lot.  I feel blessed to have this gospel and to know I will see my dad again.
Thanks again so so much to all of you who showed your support to our family in such a hard time.  We really appreciated everything and you'll never realize how much it meant to our family!  We had so much family come from out of town and sacrifice a lot of their time and money and it meant the world to us.  We have the best family and friends around.  I know I am not a super intelligent intellectual but some how I'm smart enough to surround myself with amazing people:) 
This is one of my favorite photos of my dad.  This is how I always want to remember him.  Contagious smile, sweet eyes, prominent chin and kissable cheeks!
Love you dad!

16 comments:

meg bird said...

Oh, Rach. I wish there were anything to be said that could possibly ease your pain. You are such a beautiful person, and your family has always blown me away by your closeness and all of the fun things you do together. Ricker, though I never even met him officially, always seemed like kind of a legend to me. Haha that sounds cheesy, but from the way everyone talked about him, it was so clear that he was so appreciated and loved. The life of the party. I'm sure he is with you now, and you will be with him again :) thank heaven for the Gospel. I'm so sorry for this great loss. I don't feel like people like you deserve to go through such hard things, but I know you can. What you said about how you got all of your confidence from your Dad made me smile; I think that part of him rubbed off on you. You make everyone around you feel so good about themselves. I hope you are able to heal, and I'm praying for your and your family. Love you Rach.

Kel said...

I am so sorry for your loss, Rach. You may not even remember me, but I have loved staying caught up with you and your darling family through your blog... It's easy to see how much love you and your Dad shared.

Prayers are coming your way. Much love.

Ashley and Zach Smart said...

This was a beautiful post- straight from the heart. I am so so sorry about your Dad. I can't imagine how hard it must be and what you are going through. His service was beautiful and it was fun to get to know him through all of the memories that were shared. Thank goodness we have the gospel and know that we will be with our loved ones forever. You guys are in our thoughts and prayers.

Mindy said...

I love all of these pictures Rach and all your words too. I think about you and your Mom everyday and wonder how you are both doing. Thank the Heavens Wally Ricker is on his way to cheer us all up(:

Whitney said...

LLLLOOOOVVVVEEEDDDD this post. Rachel your so awesome! I wish I lived as close to you as Joc does. I might be over at your house everyday. ha. You did such an amazing job at the funereal for sure! I love your guts! Keep your chin up girl! I know your dad is "ghosting" around PG for sure! I hope it will get easier as time goes on. Give your mom a hug for me as well. Cant wait to see your baby boy! Best of luck with the delivery! Love ya!

Rocky said...

Thank you Rachel! Sarah keeps telling me I am a robot for my lack of feelings but this brought me to tears. I love Ricker and feel so lucky for the time we got to have him with us. I just can't feel bitter that he left us so early simply because we were so lucky, not just to know him, but to have him as our dad. He really was the best! With that said, it still sucks and I will miss him forever.I also hate not being able to call him everyday. Luckily we still have Cher for that.

Darcee said...

Oh, Rachel. I just cried reading this and seeing those beautiful pictures. Your dad is just crazy about you and about your whole family. I loved seeing pictures of his smiling, healthy face. It is such a strange feeling to think it will be so long until you see his face again. I know we just hold on to the blessing that we will get to at some point. I'm so sorry for the physical hurt you feel. I know that pain. It's awful. I'm glad you can recognize the wonderful blessing of having such an incredible dad and the blessing of being together forever. That is real. But so is the pain of missing him and the pain of wanting him here, now. I'm just so sorry. I think of you guys all the time. You are still in my thoughts and prayers. Love you.

Lauren said...

Tears fill my eyes right now. For the happiness that everyone who knew your father was brought and also for the sadness that someone so rare and special to this earth is gone.

This is such a beautiful post and I didn't find it depressing at all. You're stronger than you think, Rach. And just from the stories about Ricker, I can tell you have more of him in you than you know.

I'm so sorry for your pain it's brought to your amazing family. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers for awhile.

Sydney said...

This was so beautifully written, Rach. Your relationship with your Dad is so inspiring - I know he misses you too. My heart breaks for you as I read this though. Nobody should be without their Dad, especially when that Dad is Ricker. He truly is one of a kind and that is what I loved about him too. We still think and pray for you guys everyday. Love you!

chelsea said...

Rach, I LOVED this. Ricker was truly one of a kind and you are so lucky to be his daughter. He really was the life of the party. I cried when I heard there were ribs at the funeral--it just wouldn't be a celebration of Ricker without his ribs. I love you guys and you've been in my prayers. Love you!!

Amanda Lynch said...

Seriously Rachel you are amazing! So glad you took the time to write this post. It brought me to tears just trying to even comprehend what losing a parent would be like. Your dads funeral was honestly beautiful and great to hear about how much he was loved and appreciated. Thanks for being such a great example of the love that everyone should have for their family!
Love you and your sweet family! You are all still in our prayers.

Grandma Cher said...

Thanks for the beautiful memories and pictures of Dad. I love him so much and I needed another good cry!!!! I really don't want them to ever stop and I'm pretty sure they won't.

Sara said...

Rachel, I just read this and it is so true. I have been surprised about my own emotions, losing Ricker has been the hardest death I have personally been through. It really is different with grandparents. I keep thinking Ricker is going to be there when we visit or call the house. I started crying in the pantry when I saw the honey he gave us this summer, and other odd places that remind me of him. I love him and I am grateful he got to be just a little bit of my dad too. I love you guys and pray for you daily. And when I need a laugh I think about Ricker the ghost floating around Pleasant Grove!

Rangi said...

Hey Rach thanks for posting this. It was great. I read it a couple of days ago but couldn't really leave a comment. It hurt too much. It still doesn't seem real. I always find myself thinking I am going to call Dad and tell him something or ask him something. It's crappy. Hang in there, I love you.

sheila said...

Thanks for sharing Rachel. I loved this post about your amazing Dad. I loved hearing all the memories that were shared by you and each of your siblings at the funeral. There will always only be one "Ricker" and I feel so fortunate to have known both him and your perfect mother, "Cher". There isn't a day goes by that I don't think about your family. I know your Dad would want you to be happy, but the truth is, death of those we love so much just aches and aches. You remain in my prayers. Love you and your family tons.

babybutt said...

oh Rachel! I'm so sorry you lost your dad! I'm amazed at the way you are accepting the situation because you're not mad and you are sad but you are choosing to see the good along with the tough. I know I cannot relate entirely, but I do understand. my dad died when I was 9 and I miss him all the time, but I mostly miss what I didn't get to miss ya know! You can tell your dad loved you, and I know with all my being that you will sed each other again! I imagine he is with your son before you even get to meet that little boy! I hope the best for you and your family in this difficult time!

shantel

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I love being a red head. My husband is goofy. We both love Chuck a rama. I love antiques, miniature things, and Diet Mountain Dew. My Motto, "Life is RRRRReeeeeeeally Guuuud!" -Nacho.