If I Could Talk to My Dad.

If I could talk to my dad.

I'd tell him how bad I miss him. I'd tell him how much I love him and how grateful that he was my dad. I'd tell him how good of an example he set for me and my siblings and how I want to be just like him.

I want to tell him about how big baby Ricker is, I know he'd be so stoked and wouldn't stop saying, "There's no way that kid won't play for BYU." I hope little Ricker can live up to such a big name and aim high to be like you.

I would tell him how much Pearl has grown up and how well she talks. How great she did at potty training and if I'd let her, Diet Coke would always be her drink of choice. She is so sweet and smart. And every time the car is stopped she asks for a,"creepy story." I know she wants one of yours but mine will have to do.

I would tell you that I am trying to do more with music and singing on my own! I never thought I would be singing in front of a crowd by my own doing and not yours! I don't know if the nervous feeling of singing to a crowd reminds me of you always getting me in things I was too scared to do. I sang a couple weeks ago at the concert in the park and when I sang, "A house is a home." I looked up and saw our whole family except you. I had to hold back tears as I sang because I thought of you. "A house is a home even when we've up and gone." Because even though you're gone I still have your memory. I still have so many happy memories that live on. You live on.

I'd tell him no party is or will ever be the same. Everyone tries hard but without the, "Ricker Touch," and presence it's just not the same.

I would tell you that you are sorely sorely missed. When I actually remember you are gone I feel nauseous. I feel myself physically frowning. Fat tears still well up in my eyes and I can't help but cry and wish you were still here.

Me and mom miss you so much. We think and talk about you every day. Mom is being so strong and you'd be so proud of her. I know she is so sad but stays strong for us.

We are trying hard to make sure grandma Phyl Phyl is taken care of and present at all of the family functions. I love to have her tell me stories of your childhood I've never heard.

I seriously just miss shootin' the breeze most. Reminiscing about how  my fairytale wedding was such a fluke. (When really it wasn't a fluke. Everything you and mom ever have done turned out so amazing).

And how I got so many good deals at yard sales this summer. Checking out new diners and dives. Talking about all the weird but good people that live in PG.

I'm still sad we never got to watch Danny eat a disgusting slimy Cornish pastry together. That would have been so flippin funny. Instead I just remember the day you and I got suckered into eating them and how bad we were gagging, but mostly laughing so hard we couldn't breathe.

I wish I had learned how to refinish furniture from you. You had such a talent. I look at all of the beautiful furniture in my home you refinished and think of you always.

I wish I could tell people how cool you are, but no words could ever do you justice. This mainly makes me sad because my kids won't know. Danny and I will try our hardest to make sure our kids know how awesome of a person their grandpa Ricker was. How there was no one more loyal or hardworking than you. No one that partied harder or loved his family more than you. No one that loved his wife and spending time with her more than you.

Your kids and grand kids talk about and miss you more than you know. Every time I cry, two year old Pearl asks, "Are you missing grandpa?" We love you so much and are feeling extra sad today but also extra grateful for the time with you we were blessed with. A year has passed and in some ways it seems fast but in more ways it seems like a long long year without you.

Even though I wish so much these weren't the circumstances and I could say this all to your face I also feel like you already know it. I feel like you aren't too far away and you know your family misses you dearly.

They asked the whole smart family to sing in sacrament meeting  last week. Hilarious right? We sang "Families can be together forever."  I think it was definitely for our family and not the congregation. I've always known our family is forever but I know even more now that I will see you again. I'm grateful for you and the family I will be forever with.  Love you dad.


D-Lish said…
I loved this post. I am so grateful for Ricker and all that he taught me in the short time I was able to spend with him
Savage said…
Man....I am sad. Your so cool Rachel and your Dad totally knew how to put on a good party. He could turn the ordinary in to some crazy fun. I think it's a gene he passed down to all of you. TO THE RICKER!!!!! Love the post. XO
Mindy said…
I hope you keep blogging, you write so well! A really neat post. Your Dad would love every word❤️
Sydney said…
Oh Rach. I love you. If anyone (besides Ricker himself) could do justice in describing him, it's you. I'm so sad. Your dad was a special guy. Everyone knew and loved him. And I know that the reason people know and love you are the same reasons they know and loved the Ricker. You two are so much alike! I love reading when you talk about your dad. I don't know If it's therapeutic or not, but it brings back so many wonderful memories of spending time with the o'smarts. And I just love reading it. You could blog about nothing else but your dad forever and I would still love reading it. In fact, you probably could blog about your dad forever- he is that interesting/crazy/awesome of a guy. I wish I knew what to say, but I don't. Nothing replaces Ricker and his presence will always be missed. Just know we pray for you all everyday and that we talk often of Ricker too. Love you!
Devin & Shalise said…
You are an amazing writer and had me in tears even when I wasn't privileged to know your father. I grew up without my Dad in my home. Reading this made me realize I missed out on something wonderful not having my Dad around. You are lucky to have had that. He sounds like an incredible man. I loved this post!
meg bird said…
This is touching. It seems like you have achieved a closer relationship with your dad in the years you had him here than most people will ever have. Have I said that before? I just always think that when I read these. Not that it justifies you guys losing him so early, because that's not what I mean at all. I just think your relationship with him is so beautiful and something we can all admire.

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