Missing My Dad.

This is my last sad post, I swear.

A year ago today my dad and I were busy in his kitchen.  He was teaching me how to make his famous ribs for Danny's birthday dinner.  We talked and laughed while putting the dry rub on over 50 pounds of baby backs.  I'm so grateful for all of the fun memories I am lucky enough to have of my dad.  But even with those memories to remember, I still can't believe how much I miss him.

Death seriously sucks.  So much worse than I could've imagined.  I guess to truly know you have to experience death.  I know why old people are so wise.  They have had so many life experiences that you just can't comprehend until you go through them yourself.  Whenever I hear of a loved one of someone else passing away, I truly hurt for them.  I have so much compassion for those struggling with the death of a loved one.  It is so hard and I feel for them.  My cousin Darcee lost her 4 year old son, Keith, just over a year ago to cancer and at the time I felt so bad for her and her family.  They were constantly in our prayers during his whole battle with that terrible sickness.  But now, after losing my dad, I have an entirely different perspective and hurt so much for her and her family.  

Part of me just tries not to think about it.  If I don't think about it, I won't cry right?  Keep it out of my memory and just try to go on with life.  Then I feel so guilty and mad.  I don't want to not think about it.  I want to remember my dad and how he was the funnest guy to be around.  I want to remember the way he smelled and the sound of his voice.  I want to remember how hard he laughed when my brothers told old stories and how uncomfortably hard he gave hugs.  I want to feel the pain that comes with death because if not, it's like I'm trying to forget about him.  

I don't want my life to feel normal without him.  

Every stupid Beach Boys song I hear brings me to tears.  I have cried everyday, minus like two, since my dad passed away.  It's more than I've cried in my entire life.  Sometimes I cry because I'm sad.  Sometimes I cry because I'm mad, or confused.  I still struggle to understand it sometimes. I know there are stages of grief that people go through but something is wrong with me because depending on the day, I'm a different stage.  Sad. Mad. I still don't think it's real.  When I see his obituary hanging on my fridge, or the disc that reads, "Rick Smart's Funeral."  I hate it so much. I can't believe it's real.
 And I know my dad would be so ticked at me if he were reading this blog.  He'd say, "Rachey, you're being ridiculous!"

Since he died I have actually had a hard time writing on here.  It sounds so silly, but he was my number one reader of this stupid blog.  Every post I did he'd have me read it to him like seriously five times and then twice more after that.  He was constantly saying, "Now read me the comments one more time." 

 I loved it.  

I loved how he made me feel like every silly post was so dang important. It made blogging so much more fun.  I seriously thought after he died I was just going to be done blogging.  I didn't care anymore.  Then I stopped and actually thought about it and realized I need to keep doing it for my kids.  They will probably like to read through and at least look at the photos someday.  So if not for me or my dad, then I will blog for my kids.

My dad is still the #1 speed dial on my phone.  I can't bring myself to change it.

He would call me every morning and ask how my night was.  "Did Pearl sleep okay?"  "Do you guys want to go get a donut or go to the Dollar Store?"  I can't believe how much I miss those calls.  I still listen to this one voicemail on my phone.  He didn't even know he was leaving it at the time but it's so cute.  My dad was constantly humming.  He didn't even notice that he'd do it.  All of our childhood videos my dad filmed, have him humming in the background.  It's the best.  But on this voicemail he is talking to my mom for part of it and then his humming starts up.  I love it so much.

The other weird thing about death is the fear I have that someone else close to me is going to die.  What a terrible thing to worry about I know.  So cynical.  I guess I just see how scary and final it really is and hate to think if I lost someone else in my life.

And I can't stop myself from thinking, "He should be here."
At Ricker's baby blessing.  At Pearl's second birthday party.  Sitting on the back row at church sneaking and passing candy around.  "He should be here."

I feel bad for my cute mom.  She has been so unbelievably strong throughout these past few months.  We've cried together and reminisced about the Ricker.   Although Cher has never been a complainer, I know she is so so sad.  I constantly wonder what I can do to take her sadness away, but I know there's nothing.  It's really hard to have such a gaping hole in my life and I can't even imagine hers.  She is so strong.  Stronger than she knows.

At my dad's funeral so many people attended.  It was special to see how many people really cared about my dad.  I had family drive 20+ hours, book expensive last minute flights, ect to make sure they were there.  It was so nice of them.  I feel bad because I didn't feel like I was overly friendly at his funeral and I want to apologize if I didn't get the chance to talk with you or catch up!  I really do feel bad because a lot of you I don't get to see that often.  And I feel bad I didn't get a big family photo of all who attended.  Such a regret!  I'm sorry.

It was a bittersweet day.  Bitter because we were all realizing how much he will be missed. Sweet because it was a whole day dedicated to recognize and celebrate my dad's life.  I hope you know I don't write this post for pity.  Everyone has their own set of struggles they are given in life.  I write this post to hopefully help someone who is going through the same thing as me.  I understand, at least partially, what you are going through.  And it is so hard and seems so unfair.  I have never struggled with depression or constant sadness in my life. Ever.  I feel like one of my talents in this life is the ability to always be happy.  This sounds dumb, but happiness has always come very easy to me.  But after losing my dad I feel a sadness I've never known.  I know it is to be expected losing such a big part of your life and I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  I just miss him.

 I know we will see our lost loved ones again someday.  They are okay and closer than we think.  I see it when I look into sweet Baby Ricker's eyes and realize he is fresh from heaven.  My little miracle fresh from Heaven.  Though death, at times, seems so final I know it's not.  The Lord has a plan and everything will be okay.

My 83 year old grandma has now buried several loved ones including three of her children as well as her husband of 50+ years, Big El.  I asked her how she got through so many hard times?  As Grandma Phyl Phyl says, "Life isn't always easy, but it's always good.  There will be sad days, but just look for the good in every day."
So that's what I'm going to do.

My good for today:
Last night I had a dream I got to talk to my dad!  It was the first dream where I realized he wasn't alive anymore:(  (In all of my dreams he is still alive.) My mom and I were asking how he was doing.  His words, "I'm great.  Don't worry about me!  They have me running the Snack Bar up here and I'm kicking butt!"  Ha ha, yup.  Sounds about right.  What a funny thing to dream.  When I woke up this morning I couldn't help but smile remembering the happy expression on my dad's face in my ridiculous dream.
Find the good in every day.  Even if in a silly dream.